I’m NOT Broken, Because This Wasn’t a Typical Love Story
Today, I realized that most people see me as broken. The world assumes I’m broken. I’m supposed to be broken. I even said, at least to myself, “I’m broken”. But, that’s not the truth. At least, it’s not the whole truth. I’ve been sad. I needed to mourn. I needed to sit with the feelings of change. But, there is just something so definitive about that word: broken. A person is either broken or they aren’t, and with everything I’ve navigated, I assume people think I’m broken. I have felt broken, for certain, when I was at my lowest, in past years, but that’s not now. It’s so far from the truth of why we chose to get a “divorce”. That decision was hard, but not rooted in brokenness; brokenness led to the decision and it was brokenness we were in fact freeing ourselves from. There were so many times in our marriage, when we didn’t feel broken at all. Many were when we spent time apart, and felt the freedom of not having to suppress who we are. Those moments were always so powerful (and jarringly disorienting), and now I know, that was because we were reconnecting to radical self-love, which as Sonja Renee Taylor says, has always been suppressed within us. In that same way, so was our truth. We weren’t broken. The world and the boxes we have been taught to conform to, that is the brokenness. Society is damaged and needs to deal with it, but that’s a different conversation (which I will return to another day).
I know most of you are thinking. Justin, you clearly have healing to do. Take it slow you beautiful human. And, I hear you. Thank you. I hesitate to say you are wrong, while I also listen to the truth inside me. Maybe these reflections are merely a result of the healing I’ve been doing… but this felt more like an epiphany. I’m not saying I don’t have healing to do. Connecting to radical self-love is journey I am fully on, one of healing, and one with origins way before marriage. And, throughout our marriage, I was on that journey, to reconnect with myself. The human I came into this world as, before society and all it’s boxes got ahold of me. That journey of mine, made marriage complicated. There were times when I felt broken, when I felt really broken. But, in those moments, what I was exploring, was not my brokenness and I always knew; it was the world’s brokenness, other people’s brokenness. Allow me to explain with a corny metaphor I thought of.
I hit pause… on life. Many times. All the moments that were truly hard. Devastating. I was living life on pause. And it was a painfully conscious choice to do so. The DVD wasn’t scratched so bad it wouldn’t play. Remember when your favorite films got scratched so bad that they worked to a point, but you could never finish the movie? That’s not what was happening. The Wi-Fi was not down, and we didn’t lose the remote. I just hit pause from time to time, when I realized people around me, weren’t ready for the rest of the movie. There was nothing broken about me. I chose to push pause. I always saw them as decisions; every single time, and that’s how we discussed them. But, life was on pause never the less. And, life has been a good movie. A great movie in fact. Fantastic. It’s not a movie you would settle for not getting to finish. So, you know the feeling. You’re dying to get on with the movie, but it’s still paused. Somebody needs to go to the bathroom, that person’s getting popcorn, now somebody’s parent called them…. The world was full of reasons for the movie to be paused. Now, at the risk of making a very complex, emotional journey far too simple. When we decided to get a dissolution, I pressed play again. What you saw from me after that, was undoubtedly emotional. I was overwhelmed, unsure of what to think, didn’t know how to feel, didn’t know if it was true. It looked like brokenness, even felt like it to me. But what it really was? After waiting for what seemed like an actual life time, I had the chance before me, to continue watching the movie I had been waiting most of life to see… you know those kind of movies. They make you feel some way.
I understand why I am supposed to feel broken, to go slow, to spend time with myself. I really do. I’m not sure I’m even correct about all this. But, one thing I know about me, is that I listen to myself. And, I feel these things on a spiritual level. A huge barrier to radical self-love, for me, is feeling broken. It’s manipulative, deceptive, and coercive. But, I know in my soul (you know the depth of thought that gives you chills), when I was at my lowest points in life, I was not broken. I was hitting the pause button on a movie I was dying to continue, and that, as you all know, is exhausting after a while.
So, what happened… I got the impression that people see me as broken, fragile, delicate. It feels like people are keeping their distance, giving me space to heal, or avoid me completely on dating apps, because I must be broken and damaged. And, dating apps… Ain’t nobody got time for that. I sure don’t. I deleted my accounts and uninstalled the apps. Those apps, the energy I put into them, how I felt scrolling them, trying to connect with them… it felt like I hit rewind. I realized I was feeling inadequate, but just as always, with enough time and energy, I realize I’m not the problem, I’m not broken. So, I deleted the apps, talked to caring friends, and came to these conclusions. I’m not broken. It’s okay if you still suspect I am. That’s really okay. But, I’m not broken, the movie isn’t broken, and we pressed play for a reason.
“You can still smell the roses and be on a mission” (India Arie). I am reconnecting with radical self-love. I’m still reading the text, doing the reflections, and feeling the feels. And, that doesn’t make me broken. Actually, and this might sound bonkers, it’s means I’m even further from being broken. I’m on a mission, and I will be smelling the roses as I continue the journey. If you want to be the roses I smell, lovely. I’ve always loved roses. Light pink are my favorite.
If you’re out there, and wonder what it would be like to get to know me, develop feelings for me, or just have fun with me, message me, talk to me, now or whenever; wait until you find the right time for you. But, if you’re reading this and you’ve ever had any of those thoughts, you should know that the movie is on again, and I plan to enjoy it. I can’t explain how very not broken I feel, but I put it into the universe (which is my kind of spirituality — look up Neil deGrasse Tyson’s most amazing fact). Im movie is on again, and I’ve been waiting a long time for it to continue. You now know how I feel about pressing pause, and I’ve never been one to rewind the movie (we always paid the fee for returning movies that weren’t rewound), so the movie is playing. If you don’t see a role for you, that’s totally cool; not everyone can have a role. However, send this to somebody who you think might be good for a part. Auditions can be arranged. What’s up next I do not know, but I’m excited. Will it be something like “the notebook”, “friends with benefits”, or the “Lovebirds”?… you should watch that last one. I’ve always been a sucker for a good rom com.
Don’t worry, tomorrow we can return to our regularly scheduled programming (the world is broken), but tonight I felt it was more important to say, I’m not broken. If you’re still thinking I’m wrong, ask yourself, does this sound like a broken person? I know what I want and what I need. I had a lot of time to think about that, while the movie was paused.
One more thing I learned today. I need to listen to more India Arie. I did so as I made dinner, and the entire time I wrote this blog… it was lovely.
